Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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