I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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