y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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