u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.