Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?