my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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