Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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