Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
