Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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