i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Holy sore nipples Batman
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
