this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
