im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
