i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
