this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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