I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
