Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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