This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
