a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We need to get me chipped asap
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