just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
