Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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