Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
