Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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