i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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