my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
