We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
