please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Naked. naked and bneed help.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
