shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
