the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
