I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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