At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
