I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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