Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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