you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
