If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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