Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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