you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
