I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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