Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
