Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
