i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
