Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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