When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
is that a dick in a sweater?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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