my phone needs a breathalizer
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
