Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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