i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
