nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Acid is not a monday night drug
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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