Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
