Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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