I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
