isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
