Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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