I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
OPIZZABONMYDICK
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
