Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
