Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
